Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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