We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
