wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
