I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
