i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
