So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
