I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
