That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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