woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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