So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
