I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I seem to have left my pride at pride
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
