i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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