Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
