then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
