I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
