i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
