He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize