maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
