I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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