wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
