he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
