I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
