She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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