so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
