I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
