just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
