i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
