I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
