I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
