no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
