I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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