i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
