before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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