you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
