My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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