i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm always down for nudity.
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