Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
