He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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