Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
