We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize