I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
