I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
