she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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