I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
