I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
home. puking in laundry basket.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
