btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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