At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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