I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
