when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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