Ambien. No doubt about it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
