I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
did i walk over a car last night?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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