My room smells like vodka and shame
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
