my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
