I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
