I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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